spilling it!

...even the terrible things that i have made, and would have unmade if i could...

last summer i decided to check my style and make some changes in my life, my attitude and my relations to/with/towards others. now, ca 8 months later, i can (kinda) proudly say that i have managed to do these things. or, well, most of them.

i have cut out many negative things, negative influences, got some shit together and made changes for myself. i am relocating, i am taking up my university-studies, i have made up my mind about what i want and do not want (as far as i can and are able to. but i still don't know all the things i want. who does?!) some of these 'wants' aren't manageable due to financial, locational, physical stuff or relations and other peoples attitudes and judging, but i have let go of my anger and many destructive things. i use strategies i have learned in therapy and i try not to judge people or listen to smack-talk w/o hearing both sides of every story. i don't get pissed off (or pissed - JD be gone.) much anymore. i get sad and sometimes annoyed, but i don't take it out on anyone in a vindictive, evil way. i don't pass judgements and i try to be nicer in my approach toward others.

i have people and things working against me and i still struggle. i have a low self esteem and i wish i was many things that i'm not. i'm building up my self worth and i have worked to get my ambition back. i wish i could cut out some people completely but in this case it's not a possibility as of right now. i strive to be free from these people in the future, though. i strive to get my degree (or two) and work in the field i set out too sometime in the future. in the meantime any work will do, though...more or less. school and work. providing for myself.

anyways, i just thought about all this, more as of lately actually, and besides from the times when other people bring up all the idiotic things i have done, (i know very well what i've done wrong and i would love to unmake most things, but until they invent a time-machine this is impossible. i can only *not* do any of these things again and i am very sure that i never will. i don't dwell on them unless someone else reminds me of them.) i have managed to change what *i* can, for myself and for others, to make things lot easier. i have lost some important people on the way, some people i miss (no one i miss hugely though), but i have also got released from some people, which in the end is worth more. i don't hate anyone and i don't spend any time holding a grudge against anyone anymore. it's definitely not worth it. i have accepted that people lie and pretend to be something they're not, stabs you in the back and talks about things they know nothing about. i just don't care anymore. all i can do is let them. if other people buy their stories, it's really not my problem, unless i have actually done what they are saying (which 95% of the times i have not, i've noticed.) in addition to this i have started talking to old friends again, people who are important to me. and i am a bit more open to get to know new people. not on a mission to do so, just open for it.

i am not perfect. not even close to it, but i know i have gotten great feedback these past couple of months due to my changes. both from close friends, family and other people. these things means more than any lame ass critique, judging, and losses that i have 'suffered' combined. all the good words i have gotten are very appreciated. it gets me even more motivated. tough love doesn't work on me, i've noticed, but kindness does. lame? maybe, but that's the truth. i don't have to bend over backwards for anyone anymore, nor do i have to compromise myself completely (adjust and meet in the middle...yes, but not change completely if don't want to) to please former acquaintances. (i can not call them friends cause if they had been, i would still have them in my life).

i don't know if i'm writing this for myself or others. it doesn't matter really. i'm proud of what i've done lately, mostly. my old self (which wasn't really me anyways) is eliminated. i like that.

to my 'supporters'...i love/like/appreciate you! thank you. and to those who have stuck with me through mistakes and are still here...thank you +++++! you guys are awesome.
ah well, enough about this. off i go.
(see, i was able to write personal stuff on here. hehe i won't do it all the time, but sometimes.) 

...'one can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation.'...