lack of...

so...this paper is going great... :/ motivation...please? 

worst

Factory Girl

watching Factory Girl. i 'was' Edie for Halloween so i felt like watching it. not that i haven't seen it before, i love the film, i've just never been a fan of Warhol. he's completely overrated and a big bore to me. like, i know one *should* like him, it's pop cultures biggest no-no (besides not pretending to like all the old, 'cool' bands and icons no one gave a shit about until it was a rule to like'em, hipster-style. kinda like when you started smoking as a teen) not to praise him. but i can't find myself enjoying his character nor his art. Edie, however, intrigues me. i feel so bad for her. or now she's ashes, but when she was of flesh and blood. now what an asshole everyone was to her. all the 'men' (maggots) she surrounded herself with. yes Bob Dylan, i'm talking to you, amongst others. i'm surprised Manics haven't written a song about her. she seems like their type of gal, like Monroe and Traci Lords. 

Dylan, Lou Reed (Velvet Underground), Warhol and all the other men who fucked her up, well done!
anyways, she seemed so fragile and lonely. some things she sad i can/could relate to so much, or more or less.
'When you start at 20, you have a lot of nonsense to work out of your system.'
'It's not that I'm rebelling. It's that I'm just trying to find another way.'

'The very things I might have given in to, that demanded, that said, this is your life. I mean, this is your only way to survive, are the things I fought hardest to end. I can understand other people's situations in their own terms, but "they" still can't understand mine.'

'I act this way because that's the way I feel like acting. If people like it, fine. If they don't, that's their problem.'

whatever, whatnot.
I, obviously never knew Warhol, but this is my take on him too, with Edie's words.
'The way those sons-of-bitches took advantage of me. Warhol is a sadistic faggot.'

'I'm a little nervous about saying anything about the artist, because it kind of sticks him right between the eyes, but he deserves it. He really fucked up a great many people's, young people's lives.'

                                   this entry is pretty pointless. i just wanted to write.

eternal River...

daisy

back off / then...

i'll never ever forget the things i've been put through. forgive, that i'm good at. forget, not so much.
i ran as fast as i could, but there was no one letting me go. i had to stay and it is beyond me how someone could put someone else, a kid, through all that. scar me? yeah. or no. interpret that as you wish.
frustrated fears of what i might become. i did not, but i still needed what they knew i needed and they took it away from me. i saw you crying but it wasn't my job to fix you, it should have been the other way around.
i have no 'family portraits' but i don't want any. he left, i had no choice but to stay.
and my loves, my confidants, you drew away. or sold. don't now in which order. i don't know what you think of yourself/yourselves but i have to believe you got regrets.

my tumblrs!

Mad Molly (formerly known as You're So Sead)

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt (color blog)

Beautiful Brittany Murphy

Angelina Jolie - Young, wild and crazy

Drew Barrymore - Wild Thing

Well well my Michelle (Williams) 

go follow!

        this! <3

moving...

fuckin a. finally i can move out of this s**thole. bye Euston, hey Angel! it will be much further away from school, but i expect some calmness at least. no fuckin notes on my door, no stalkerish dudes, no police throwing me out or rude guards. and also...no screaming kids outside from 7.30 am-6 pm every fuckin day.  yay! maybe now i can study a bit. ka-ching. 

Cambridge CAE is kinda hardcore. or well, the grammar is. the rest, not so mch. but still, damn grammar. i get the grammar automatically, i just don't know *why* it's supposed to be that way. apparently it's common amongst swedish students. 

on another note...some of the awe, cool and nice ppl i've met here: 

Marion, Eri, Ara, Svetlana, Karin, Susi Q, Marta, Dani, Alper, Angela...and more. :)

blah, blah, blah.

last year by this time i was barely alive. well, actually before that too. the past hates me and i hate it. i was an empty shell just walking around thinking i was on a never ending path to nowhere and everywhere. if i was thinking at all. i don't think i was a large amount of the time, really. i doubt it.

i've learned quite a lot without thinking i'm even half perfect or close to it. but at least i'm doing something now. i am. i might not be able to hack it since it is my hardest task in years (maybe ever), this. but even if i fail, i got in, i was good enough, i will always know that. don't know where that takes me, but it's better than a whole lot of bs nothingness.

fuck yeah!

A pity she does not exist, a shame he's not a fag
The only girl I ever loved was Andrew in drag
There is no hope of love for me, from here on I go stag
The only girl I'll ever love is Andrew in drag

Andrew in drag! (Andrew in drag)
Andrew in drag, yeah!

I don't know why I even went, it's really not my bag
Just thought it might be funny to see Andrew in drag
The moment he walked on the stage my tail began to wag
Wag like a little weiner dog for Andrew in drag

Andrew in drag! (Andrew in drag)
Andrew in drag, yeah!

I've always been a ladies man and I don't have to brag
But I've become a mama's boy for Andrew in drag
I'd sign away my trust fund, I would even sell the jag
If I could spend my misspent youth with Andrew in drag

Andrew in drag! (Andrew in drag)
Andrew in drag, yeah!

So stick him in a dress and he's the only boy I'd shag
The only boy I'd anything is Andrew in drag
I'll never see that girl again, he did it as a gag
I'll pine away forevermore for Andrew in drag 

He's not dead.

Richey Edwards - best article ever!

http://wizzley.com/manics-richey-james-missing/

Mega shark and Giant Octopus vs planes.

 don't fly!

Cecilia

i wish i had my the virgin suicides-book here. i got the urge to re-read it again...again. 

'when she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly.'

'i had wings once. they were strong. they could carry me above the clouds.

 but they were stolen from me.'

seriously

tell me no!. tell me to fuck off, get away, move out of your sight, bugger off, split...etc, whatever, whatnot, but do not leave me hanging or play any games with me. ever. u get me?! good. i'm a straight shooter and i don't want anything but that in return.

this is both a future thing, a present thing and a note to those from the past. it doesn't matter. shooooot me hard rather than a loose shot in the leg. just saying. i'll survive, so don't be a c**t. 

'you're like a stone hangin around my neck, see,

cut it loose before it breaks my back, see.'

dreams and nightmares.

note to self: do not read about bridges, jumpers and think about former and existing friends before going to sleep! it'll not end good. right now i'm trying to shake the feeling that this dream wasn't for real, but actually a work of my screwed fiction-mind. dang! 

brain-spin and a love for now compared to June last year. i still have the black and grey clouds, but destructive spirals has been somewhat eliminated. gawd i've met some weird people, and prolly been considered the weird one by some (or lots), but i can safely say i love not living in my home town anymore. wherever i may be, i have no love for that city what so ever, and when it comes to the citizens of it, i think i, approx, miss about 10 or so. you know who you are. as for many others, i'm so glad i don't know you anymore, or have to see you whenever i go anywhere. i have never met so many loose mouths in my life as i've done these last years. not even in high school! sometimes it's ok to have a loose mouth but ffs make sure what comes out of it is in fact, at least, close to the truth.

ok, no more negative things. except that i don't have a matress on my bed in my London-flat. lovely. rented furnished, gets no matress. seems legit. :/ ouch and ouch. 

ok, off to M & S or Pret for some grub before school. ta-ta.

Happy Angelina!

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY gorgeous, fantastic, amazingly talented Angelina!